Barrett's longgggggggggggggggggggggg train ride
by ChocoDragon
Summary: It's... erm... long!!!


DISCLAIMER- I do not own FFVII or it's characters. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting at home writing an OB paper for Chemistry but, rather, making millions from the sales of merchandise. But I don't. So I'm not. So there.  
  
Barrett's longgggggggggggggggggggggg train ride  
Barrett got high on metallocenes when he studied chemistry for too long as a train drove to Junon cos he was bored and was reading one of the magazines left in the SeeD carriage by some inconsiderate sod who'd taken all of the rest, most likely to be a bunch of weapons mags and stuff about getting rid of ticks from a hyperactive canine who takes an eternity to learn anything useful, especially the ever elusive Wishing Star, which Barrett bet Red XIII could learn in his sleep, though the super smart cat couldn't really be bothered to take the time to learn something that trivial when it was far more important to enhance his own limit break than outsmart a daft two year old mutt with bad breath that couldn't even talk, using the excuse that Cosmo memory wouldn't learn itself, whilst really covering up for the fact that he wanted to beat Yuffie to a level 4 limit break, because Red XIII wanted to look really cool in front of all the other kids, not that he didn't already look cool because whoever the hell didn't think a super intelligent fiery red panther that could use Lunatic High was cool could just go to hell, because the sad little sod was probably too wrapped up in his copy of Girl Next Door to give a shit about the real world, unless it evolved a certain scantly clad GF, who Cid cried himself to sleep over every night due to the fact that she had appeared in the sequel and not his game, which was, in fact, his game, because if he hadn't got back control of the Highwind at Junon then everybody else would be screwed, especially Tifa who would've been trapped on the cannon and got her face slapped off by Scarlet, the bitch that Tifa swore killed president Shinra in the study with the lead piping before becoming an all round general servant to that Rufus bloke, possibly in ways that would even make Irvine hurl, that is, if he was in this game, which he wasn't, so he had been spared the mental torture which plagued Tifa whenever she even looked at the slut, not that Tifa's mind usually worked in that way, but she could bet that Cait Sith was hiding a thing or two, as one never knows with a sleazy black cat that carries a megaphone, possibly a telescope in disguise so that he can survey the surroundings from the super high vantage point that was an advantage of spending most of your life riding around on the back of a giant stuffed Mog that put any other form of wheelchair to shame, that is, except the one that Cloud was in when Tifa pushed it down the collapsing rock face in Mideel as the lifestream flooded the tiny island cos, lets face it, that scene was funnier than the image of Yuffie dancing at the top of a totem pole in three inch high stilettos, although that'd never happen because Red XIII's people wouldn't allow it and stilettos were sooooooo last summer, which didn't seem to stop Scarlet, the Shinra slut from sporting a pair of the super high, extra wobbly things even when in the most inappropriate places such as Shinra reactors, though nobody complained because her talent of falling over whenever she thought no one was looking was a constant source of amusement and hot topic for conversation in the TURKS lunch breaks, though Elena would probably have preferred to spend the hour chatting up Tseng, who seemed far more interested in cleaning his badass sunglasses that he wore on weekends when he and Rude hit the clubs for a night of dancing, as the black suits definitely had the benefit of enabling them to get drinks quicker as they pretended to be bouncers and threw anyone in front of them in the queue to the bar out into the back alley of the club, where Reno would be, sulking as usual cos be wasn't invited, later joined by Tseng who would still be alone at the end of it cos he spent far too much time fantasizing about the Shinra Slut falling not so gracefully into his arms as the result of the same old fashion mistake, which was Elena's main reason for attempting to get hold of one of those mako grenade launchers to blow the head of the Shinra Slut into so many pieces that the entire male population of Junon, Midgar and Kalm put together would all get a piece of her, though she seriously doubted that that hadn't happened already, but at least I'd give them something else to talk about over cheese sandwiches, which Rude was getting really bored of, cos not matter how hard he tried, he just didn't like cheese one little bit, as it gave him visions of eating a big giant yellow materia, melted by Weapon's last attack, though no one could tell if it happened purely by accident, or if Weapon had a strong disliking of cheese too, which as a matter of fact could be a tactical advantage to the Shinra over the oversized tin can, that is, if Heidegger would stop "Gya haa haa"ing long enough to get up of his backside and do something productive for a change, although by the time that would happen Meteor itself probably would have struck, unless that didn't like cheese either, so it was probably for the best to tell Hojo to start production of a mutant race of Sephiroth clones made entirely of cheese that would grow to 12 feet high instead, intended to beat the living shit out of Weapon, though Rufus seriously doubted what kind of tactical advantage could be gained from fifty kilotonnes of walking sentient cheese, but came to the conclusion that if the plan failed, he could sell it to the owners of the restaurant in Wall Market for a grossly huge profit, meaning that the regualars at the restaurant would probably begin to seriously wonder why breakfast comprised of cheese on toast, fried cheese or a brand new concoction known as "Cheereal", which put those with cheese allergies or a lack of tolerance for dairy products at a distinct disadvantage, a lesson which Vincent has learned many years before but didn't really care about now, cos Vampires don't really eat cheese, though he'd had his eye on Yuffie's neck for a while, and by sucking her blood he'd consequently end up with a blood cheese content of 30% as Yuffie had a secret obsession for cheese, which Vincent had found out by accidentally on purpose reading the diary of the 16 year old dysfunctional teenager when she was off trying to fight her way to the top of the pagoda in Wutai, which seemed completely pointless to Cloud, as he would just have run up the outside fire escape, though Tifa would have screamed at him not to, after being traumatised when the Midgar plate fell on sector 7, though not by the death of Jessie Biggs and Wedge, as everyone thought, but due to the fact that 7th Heaven had been crushed, and she hadn't had time to save the giant lump of edam that'd been moulding in the fridge since she was 17, affectionately named "Bob the Blob" by the locals, after his triumphant win of the giant cheese belly flop for two years in a row, because the people of Midgar were indeed avid cheese lovers, and the cheesy Olympics of Midgar were the highlight of the social calendar for the small, Shinra occupied slums, which Cloud thought was really sad, because there really wasn't anything that big about cheese, and hence the entire population of Midgar were sad individuals who seriously needed to go out and get a life, which Aeris majorly disagreed with, having been raised in Midgar, though she had come to the conclusion that the cheese festival was also a hunk of shite, as it seriously dried up street sales of flowers, because flowers were nice things, they were pretty, and so there should be a flower festival, like in that little village of Winhil in the sequel, which Aeris would move to had it been possible for her to cross the inter-sequel barrier, but, well, it wasn't, unless Sephiroth had found some other freaky space time demi spell using the super funky black materia, though Aeris seriously doubted that JENOVA would let the black caped clone out long enough for him to get there and back, insisting that her little Sephy had to be back home by eight o'clock, which Sephiroth was mighty pissed about, because being an all round evil mastermind was very difficult to do when one had to be home by eight o' clock, especially when one lived in a Mako reactor, because most evil people do their evil actions at night, and all the other evil people got to stay up as late as they wanted, especially the ones who wanted to rule the world, and if Sephiroth was gonna stand a chance against Cloud he'd at least have to be able to stay up late enough to slip a bug like monster into his bed as a joke, though it disturbed him slightly that he couldn't in fact remember the name of any bug like monsters, but then it occurred to him that if he turned Don Corneo into a frog it may have the same effect, because Don Corneo was indeed the biggest (literally) scary pervert in the whole of the history of the known universe, and who knows, Cloud might actually enjoy it, that is, if Cloud wasn't also dreaming about the Shinra Slut, which was highly unlikely, as the two weren't exactly on speaking terms, due to Cloud's ties to Avalanche, which he'd been roped into by Tifa, his childhood friend from Nibelheim with the biggest pair of boxing gloves ever known in the history of gaming, though not many people noticed this fact as their attention was drawn elsewhere, which didn't really bother the male members of the team, though it slightly bothered Jessie, who was too polite to point it out, as Jessie knew she'd only get a few hours at the start of the game and couldn't be bothered to spend them bitching about Tifa when she could be chatting up Cloud instead, which Cloud liked, cos it pissed off the bear-in-a-marshmallow leader of the gang, better known as Barrett, not like Barrett really cared at the moment, because Barrett got high on metallocenes when he studied chemistry for too long as a train drove to Junon.....................  
  
  
  
...and it goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on!!!  



End file.
